Investment Banking Summer Analyst Survival Kit: 20-Hour Office Edition

Essentials to survive another all-nighter modeling DCFs and questioning life choices

FOR THE FINANCE BROS 🦆

The Bro Uniform

1. Patagonia Better Sweater Fleece Vest

• Link: Patagonia Better Sweater Fleece Vest – Men’s
• Price: $99
• Why Essential: The official finance bro religious garment. Signals you went to an Ivy, have a trust fund, and definitely own boat shoes. Required for looking like you belong in the boys’ club.

2. Allbirds Tree Runners (For Walking to Your Desk)

• Amazon Link: Allbirds Tree Runners
• Price: $98
• Why Essential: Sustainable sneakers for the environmentally conscious bro who destroys the planet for a living. Perfect for those 3 AM coffee runs.

Expensive Bro Tech ($200-$500)

3. Mechanical Keyboard (For Aggressive Excel)

• Amazon Link: Razer BlackWidow V3 Mechanical
• Price: $140
• Why Essential: Every keystroke sounds like you’re crushing the competition. The clicking drowns out your existential crisis.

4. Standing Desk Converter

• Amazon Link: VARIDESK Pro Plus 36
• Price: $395
• Why Essential: Bros don’t sit. Bros stand. Even when dying inside from spreadsheet hell.

Budget Bro Essentials ($10-$50)

5. Protein Powder (Meal Replacement)

• Amazon Link: Optimum Nutrition Gold Standard Whey
• Price: $35
• Why Essential: When you’re too busy being a finance machine to eat real food. Mix with water from the office sink like a true degenerate.

6. Blue Light Gaming Glasses

• Amazon Link: GUNNAR Gaming Glasses
• Price: $60
• Why Essential: Gaming-grade because your Excel addiction is basically the same as being a pro gamer.

FOR THE SPREADSHEET SIRENS 💸

The Siren Aesthetic

1. Lululemon Everywhere Belt Bag

• Amazon Link: Lululemon Everywhere Belt Bag Dupe
• Price: $25-45 (or $38 for real Lulu)
• Why Essential: Hands-free storage for your life essentials: lip gloss, Adderall, more lip gloss, and emergency energy drinks. Peak spreadsheet siren aesthetic.

2. Stanley Tumbler (40oz of Survival)

• Amazon Link: Stanley Adventure Quencher 40oz
• Price: $45
• Why Essential: Holds enough iced coffee to survive until sunrise. The sound of ice clinking is your meditation.

Expensive Siren Tech ($100-$400)

3. Dyson Airwrap (For 3 AM Touch-ups)

• Amazon Link: Dyson Airwrap Multi-Styler
• Price: $600
• Why Essential: When you need to look human for that 8 AM client call after sleeping under your desk. Worth more than your monthly rent but priorities.

4. Blue Light Glasses (Cute Frames)

• Amazon Link: DIFF Eyewear Blue Light Glasses
• Price: $85
• Why Essential: Protect your eyes while looking Instagram-worthy. Because if you’re suffering, you might as well look cute doing it.

Budget Siren Essentials ($15-$75)

5. Gua Sha Tool (For Stress Relief)

• Amazon Link: Rose Quartz Gua Sha Set
• Price: $15
• Why Essential: Self-care in the office bathroom mirror at 2 AM. Reduces puffiness from crying over your broken Excel model.

6. Silk Pillowcase (For Desk Naps)

• Amazon Link: BLISSY Silk Pillowcase
• Price: $58
• Why Essential: If you’re sleeping on the office couch, your hair deserves silk. Maintains that “I definitely went home last night” look.

SURVIVAL ESSENTIALS ⚡

High-End Survival Gear ($100-$500)

7. Nespresso Machine (Office Grade)

• Amazon Link: Nespresso Essenza Mini
• Price: $149
• Why Essential: Coffee shop runs are for interns. Real analysts have their own espresso setup by hour 14.

8. AirPods Pro (Noise Canceling Reality)

• Amazon Link: Apple AirPods Pro 2nd Gen
• Price: $249
• Why Essential: Cancel out the sound of your soul dying and your coworkers’ misery. Essential for pretending you can’t hear your VP calling your name.

9. Herman Miller Desk Chair Dupe

• Amazon Link: Herman Miller Sayl Chair Dupe
• Price: $215
• Why Essential: Your spine deserves better than the office chair from 1987. Investment in your future chronic back pain prevention.

Mid-Range Necessities ($50-$150)

10. Triple Monitor Setup

• Amazon Link: ASUS 24″ Monitor
• Price: $109
• Why Essential: One for Excel, one for Bloomberg, one for questioning why you didn’t become a teacher. NASA mission control vibes.

11. Mini Fridge (Cube Essential)

• Amazon Link: BLACK+DECKER Compact Refrigerator
• Price: $110
• Why Essential: Store energy drinks, leftover Sweetgreen, and the hopes and dreams of your former self.

12. Weighted Blanket (Anxiety Management)

• Amazon Link: YnM Weighted Blanket 15lbs
• Price: $23
• Why Essential: For those 2-hour power naps between financial models. Simulates the warm embrace you’ll never get from your MD.

Budget Survival Kit ($10-$50)

13. Industrial Energy Drinks

• Amazon Link: Red Bull Energy Drink 24-Pack
• Price: $38
• Why Essential: Liquid motivation for when your natural will to live runs out around hour 16.

14. Ramen Stockpile

• Amazon Link: Shin Ramyun Instant Noodles 20-Pack
• Price: $18
• Why Essential: For when you’ve spent your entire signing bonus on DoorDash. Tastes like financial regret.

15. Dry Shampoo (Emergency Hygiene)

• Amazon Link: Batiste Dry Shampoo 4-Pack
• Price: $20
• Why Essential: When you haven’t been home in 48 hours but still need to look professional. Shower is a social construct.

16. Melatonin (Knockout Drops)

• Amazon Link: Natrol Melatonin 10mg
• Price: $26
• Why Essential: For forcing your body into those 90-minute power sleeps. May cause dreams about pivot tables.

17. Stress Ball (Violence Alternative)

• Amazon Link: Money Stress Ball Set
• Price: $20
• Why Essential: Squeeze these instead of your laptop when Excel crashes. Shaped like money because that’s literally why you’re suffering.

18. Phone Charger (Life Support)

• Amazon Link: Anker PowerCore
• Price: $109
• Why Essential: For those 3 AM “quick question” texts from your VP. Your phone needs to outlast your sanity.

19. Eye Drops (Artificial Tears)

• Amazon Link: Systane Ultra Eye Drops
• Price: $24
• Why Essential: When your eyes are drier than your humor after 20 hours of spreadsheets.

20. Tissues (Emotional Support)

• Amazon Link: Kleenex Ultra Soft 
• Price: $18
• Why Essential: For when you realize your college friends with normal jobs are actually happier. Soft enough for broken dreams.

BUDGET BREAKDOWN

Bare Minimum Survival: $300-500

• Energy drinks, ramen, basic tech, tears

Solid Setup: $1,000-1,500

• Add monitors, better chair, actual food

Living Your Best Life (While Dying Inside): $2,500-4,000

• Herman Miller chair, Dyson, all the premium suffering accessories

SURVIVAL COMMANDMENTS

For the Bros:

1. The vest is your armor – wear it with pride and privilege
2. Protein powder counts as a meal
3. Standing desks are for alpha energy
4. Mechanical keyboards assert dominance

For the Spreadsheet Sirens: 5. Stanley tumbler is your holy grail 6. Silk everything – you deserve luxury while suffering 7. Gua sha your stress away in the bathroom 8. Look cute even at 4 AM because spite is powerful

Universal Truths: 9. Coffee is a personality trait 10. Sleep is for people with work-life balance 11. Crying in the supply closet is valid self-care 12. Your college major was irrelevant anyway

Remember: You’re not just surviving an internship, you’re building character (and student loan payments). The real treasure was the crippling anxiety we developed along the way.

Disclaimer: This guide is for entertainment. Please maintain basic human needs, question everything, and remember there are other career paths that won’t require industrial-strength melatonin.